#24 cucumber

year end reflections

Hi guys. It’s been a busy December as I was away travelling and working on a big illustration project.

It had been especially tough this month to navigate my life as a freelance artist, and as the year comes to an end, I struggle to think about whether or not this is something I’d be keen to do for long. There are some difficult things I find myself trying to accept and rediscover again:

• Freelancing is not for me. I took on opportunities over the years to explore whether or not I could enjoy illustrating or creating for other people and I finally accepted that it isn’t for me. To put it simply, I find myself most happy when I can draw or create for myself. I think that for now, I might gently close the door on illustrating or art direction gigs.

• There is joy in having a day job. There are certain parts that I find missing from my daily life that kept me regulated when I had a day job: small social interactions, solving other types of problems, dressing up everyday to go to work etc. I didn’t think of it then, but when these things are missing from my life, I found myself more prone to becoming a worm and tunnelling into my negative thoughts.

• I did not quite enjoy my stay home time the way I thought I did. And that’s a surprising statement to make, as I thought I’d replicate what I did when I thought I felt the most happy and productive: during the pandemic years, when I was at home a lot and had so much room to play. I feel guilty for not making the best of this time, and experience a deep struggle to return to that state of productivity. I realised this was a wrong way to think about things because I’m also not that person anymore. And though it seems so obvious now when I write it down, I can’t rewind back to a version of myself and press play to live my current life as an old me. My priorities have changed, and so have my ways of defining what happiness means to me.

• Joy. At the start of writing this newsletter, I kept talking about wanting to rediscover what brings me joy. And maybe art should primarily be a source of joy just for me alone. With my day jobs, I can do it perfectly well without attaching myself to the role. And doing my art for other people isn’t as enjoyable as I thought it would be, as I deal with self-censorship or making aspects of my work more mass-friendly. I also don’t enjoy the things I need to do in other to find success: constant self-promotion, being on social media regularly, showing up to events to make myself seen, etc. I sat with the content calendar I created for my instagram, and nothing about it was appealing for me to do. Thinking about how to make my art marketable is truly a killjoy.

work updates

Fever Dream

I’m showing two works in the upcoming Singapore Art Week at National Gallery and Funan, one is a physical exhibition of my work Fever Dream and another one is an illustration piece. Below is a snippet of the illustration.

Return to Paradise

More programmes are coming up in January. I’m organising two panel discussions and conducting one last zine workshop.

Every opportunity to work on a project, and to exhibit a piece of work, is a blessing. So I’m grateful for the chances that I had during this time, it brings me closer to an understanding of myself and what I need right now. My idea of success is to be able to find time and energy to create more authentically. I want space to play, because it was that sense of boredom and freedom that led me to creating some of my best works.

I’m on the lookout for full-time roles, as art director or senior designer, let me know if you are looking for someone!

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This week’s cucumber in question: my partner and I have been enjoying sliced cucumbers marinated in soy sauce and sesame oil. I like it with a sprinkle of sesame seeds. I’ve been eating this with a tornado egg served with nori studded rice. A very simple and low-cost lunch.